Actual Things 3rd Graders Said.

Over Thanksgiving, I was visiting family in Alabama which is why I have been absent from the blog. But more on that later.

Right now, I interrupt my usual posting to share with you some totally real, not at all exaggerated quotes from students in the third grade class I subbed for on Tuesday.

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Student 1: "Miss Holiday, how old are you?"
Me: "20."
Student 2: "It's rude to ask people how old they are."
Student 1: "That's only for old people!"

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Boy Student: "Miss Holiday, Girl Student wrote down on a piece of paper which boys like which girls and is showing it to everybody!"

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Girl Student: "Miss Holiday, Boy Student wrote "I will date Girl Student" on a piece of paper and I did NOT like that."

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Student 1: "I can date when I'm 16."
Student 2: "No you have to be 18 to date!"
Student 1: "My mom said I can date when I'm 16!"
Student 3: "Yeah, when you're in high school you can date as much as you want!"

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Boy Student 1: "Miss Holiday, Boy Student 2 wrote down on a piece of paper that he and I* were married and then he wrote that we were divorced."

*Please note, these are both BOY students....

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Everyone: "WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?! DE DEE DO DO DAH DO DE DAH!  WA PA PA WA PA PAPA POW! RING DING RING A DING A RING DING!"

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Third grade is the new junior high, y'all.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

An Early Birthday Present.

[Background information: My birthday is on Wednesday.]

*The doorbell rings, Mom opens the door and comes back in with a package.*

Mom: Someone got an early birthday present!
Me: YAY!!! Can I open it now?!
Mom: I don't know, we might have to make you wait!
Me: Who's it from?!
Mom: It's from a boy!
Me: A boy...? [Internally: What boy would be sending a birthday present to my house...?]
Mom: Yes, a boy named Tom.
Me: Tom? [Internally: Do I know somebody named Tom?]
Mom: Someone named Thomas!
Me: Thomas? [Internally: Do I know somebody named Thomas?]
Mom: Thomas EDISON!
Me: YAY! [After briefly thinking, Isn't he dead?! -- then I remembered that's the name of the college I graduated from last week.]

I'm a diplomatic! 

Soooo I'm *officially* official! And the words say (if you're wondering): "The Board of Trustees, upon recommendation of the President, hereby admits Kayla Rose Holiday to the degree of Bachelor of Arts with all of the rights, honors and privileges thereunto appertaining. In witness whereof, the seal of the College and the signatures of the President and the Chair of the Board of Trustees are here unto affixed this thirteenth day of September, two thousand and thirteen."

In other, less fancy words: I graduated. (On Friday the 13th...)

Yay!

I will be accepting congratulatory cash gifts starting now through September of 3013. (I also have a birthday in two days, so if you want to double the cash amount to cover both things, that is also acceptable.)

Drowsy.

Shortly after midnight last night/this morning, my mom walked into my room and the following conversation (or something very closely resembling it) took place.

Me: *Coughing my lungs out*
Mom: Are you still awake?
Me: Yes, that medicine...it doesn't work.
Mom: I came to get a pill for your dad since you took the whole bottle up with you.
Me: That medicine doesn't work, it's not making me sleep. I want to take more but I can't remember if I took a second one already or not...
Mom: You don't remember?
Me: No.
Mom: Well go ahead and take another one anyway.
Me: Okay. *Takes pill*

Mom starts to leave.

Me: I just keep tossing and turning.
Mom: Are you having crazy dreams again?
Me: Yeah, it's like every time I close my eyes there's...it's like, my bed...and then the sheets...and you have to pay to make a room...it's a blank room, and you have to pay money to...put stuff in it...
Mom: *Nodding as if she totally understands me* Why don't you just try to think of something else?
Me: I can't! The room! Every time I close my eyes it's the room...and the game show...and we have to build...something...and my bed...and...
Mom: Just close your eyes and think of a story or something.
Me: (Defeated) Okay.

The medicine may not have put me to sleep -- or cured my allergies/cold (whatever this is) -- but it sure made me lose my ability to form a complete thought.

And 14 hours later? I still feel completely out of it. And I don't even have medicine that will effectively put me to sleep.

Life is hard.

And the Curse Continues.

So I bought a Mac last week. Because Macs are supposed to be top of the line and you know that's what I need with my technological issues.

Oh, but I am still having technological issues. I bought the Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 Home & Student software and, well, it wouldn't work. So, I called a number that Best Buy gave me in order to fix the problem.

And this is (more or less) the conversation I had with Microsoft:
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Automated Voice: Hello, welcome to Microsoft. Do you have your set up wizard open on your computer?

Me: Yes.

Automated Voice: Please say or enter your product installation number. The product installation number is a long number set apart in different groups. Please read me the first group of numbers.

Me: MQBY9

Automated Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say "try again" or "transfer to a live person."

Me: Try again.

Automated Voice: Transferring to a live person.

(This is where I hung up the first time. I did not want to talk to a live person. I wanted to enter my number and get the thing activated. However, the scenario above was repeated about five times before I finally decided that a live person would be more helpful.)

Tech Support: (In a very thick Arab accent) Welcome to Apple Tech Support, jdkafjdhafhda fjakfjaklsfjds?

Me: Uh...I'm sorry, can you say that again?

Tech Support: Welcome to Apple Tech Support, what is ffdjaklfjdkalfjdasklfjkalfjldfjfauriof?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you. One more time?

Tech Support: Welcome to Apple Tech Support, what product fkdajkdajl calling about jfldkajfla?

Me: What product am I calling about?

Tech Support: Yes.

Me: Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 Home & Student software.

Tech Support: And what is the problem?

Me: The PIN number I need to obtain the product key in order to activate my software is not activated. The store from which the software came gave me this number to call to activate the PIN.

Tech Support: Please read me the PIN number.

Me: *reads PIN number*

Tech Support: That is the product key.

Me: But it says right here, in big letters, "THIS IS NOT YOUR PRODUCT KEY."

Tech Support: It is the product key.

Me: Okay....

(I enter the PIN number where I am supposed to enter the product key).

Me: It says the product key is not valid.

Tech Support: Please hold.

(Two minutes later...)

Tech Support: Thank you for holding. Do you currently have an internet connection?

Me: Yes.

Tech Support: Please turn off your internet connection.

Me: (confused) Okay....

Tech Support: Now enter your product key.

Me: You mean the number I gave you a few minutes ago?

Tech Support: Yes.

Me: (even more confused) Okay...

(I enter the number again, not sure how turning off the internet will have helped).

Me: It still says it's invalid.

Tech Support: Let me transfer you to customer service.

(Five minutes later...)

Customer Service: What product are you calling about?

(Side note: This guy was easier to talk to. Because the other guy didn't understand what I was saying and I didn't understand what he was saying because he doesn't speak very good English and I don't speak very good Arab.)

Me: Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 Home & Student software.

Customer Service: And what is the problem?

Me: My PIN number says it hasn't been activated and I can't get the product key to activate my software without it.

Customer Service: What is your PIN number?

Me: *reads PIN number*

Customer Service: It says this PIN has not been activated.

Me: Yes...I just said that...

Customer Service: Please hold.

(Five minutes later...)

Customer Service: Thank you for holding. This PIN has not been activated. It can only be activated at the store from which it was purchased. If the product key was not activated, we could help you with that. But we have a deal with all the stores that they are the only ones who can activate the PIN. You will need to contact them to activate your PIN.

Me: (frustrated) Okay....

Customer Service: Thank you and have a nice day.

Me: Thank you....?
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I should also mention that I don't think I was even talking to someone in the United States, considering that both of them were clearly Middle Eastern (judging by the accents) and I called at 10:30 at night when everywhere in the United States is closed. And he told me to have a nice day. I was about to go to bed.

Not that there's anything wrong with non-Americans...it's just A LOT easier to talk to someone who, you know, speaks the same language as you...

So, after wasting 30+ minutes on the phone with these people...and found out nothing that was helpful...I went to bed, extremely frustrated.

We are going to Best Buy to exchange the software. Hopefully the new one will work better.

And, to answer the question that everyone was wondering: No, the highest quality laptop you can possibly buy is apparently NOT the answer to the curse that technology has thrust upon me.

But, I should have known. Something about my Mac had to be Kayla deficient, and I think I found the lucky winner.

I'm Skipping School Today.

This is something I rarely do. Mainly because, I'm terrible at being sick. Meaning: I hate doctors, so I don't go to one. I hate medicine, so I don't take it. I hate skipping school, so I don't. I even went to one of my classes when I was almost literally on my death bed at home with the flu. True story. That was pointless, though. I was so out of it I might as well have been at home sleeping. Oh yeah! And I went to voice lessons every week when I had bronchitis (bronchitis typically lasts 4 weeks...but I got it again a week after it went away for a grand total of 8 weeks). And I did a recital. I sounded terrible, but I just don't do the whole staying-in-bed-resting-taking-medicine-doctors-orders thing.

Anyway, so I'm not at school right now because for the past two days my stomach has felt weird. We think I have some sort of virus. I'm feeling a little better today than I did yesterday or Saturday, but you never know with stomach viruses what could happen. And it might be contagious or whatever. Sooo here I am, missing school, kind of enjoying it but at the same time feeling guilty because I honestly don't feel that horrible right now, and bored out of my mind.

So, I thought I'd share something extremely funny that happened yesterday in my elementary school girls' class at church (no, I'm not in the class...I help teach it).

We were playing a review game where the girls were asked a question, and then 3 of the assistant teachers each gave a multiple choice question. The girls then conferred with their teams and chose the correct answer. (Some of the multiple choice answers were pretty obviously not correct).

Anyway, here's the funny part. I'm person B.

Teacher: Okay, the next question is...who was the Bible inspired by?
Person A: I think the Bible was inspired by Jesus, because the whole Bible is about him!
Person B: Well, I think the Bible is inspired by Pastor Harold*, because he just has so much wisdom!
Person C: I think it was inspired by President Obama, you know, because he's the president and everything!

...wait for it...

Little girl: But he's not wise at all!!

*The pastor of my church
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Disclaimer: I share this story simply because it was funny to hear coming from a 2nd grader's mouth. I am in no way looking for a political discussion on this topic and any comments reflecting political views will be deleted. So please, enjoy the story and keep any political opinions to yourself. (I probably won't have a problem with this, but better safe than sorry. :-) ) Thank you!

Ever Wonder What It's Like To Be Me?

Probably not, but I'll tell you anyway.

I kid you not, all of these things have happened to me within the past week.

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At my church Christmas party last Wednesday night, we had a gift exchange. There were about 50 of us there and we all drew numbers to see what order we would go in. I was number 29. After the gift exchange, there was a pinata. The person in charge of the party (Stephen) told us to hold onto our numbers, as he would be calling them out randomly to determine who would get to hit the pinata. At this point, the following dialogue took place:

Me: (to Christopher) "I am totally okay with not getting to hit the pinata. I'm terrible at pinatas. I always miss or hit someone...or myself."

Stephen: "TWENTY-NINE!"

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Of all the numbers between 1 and 50. I totally missed the pinata, too.

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Thursday, I had gotten home from work and was working on some school work (yes I'm out of school...I still have school work), when I decided that I was hungry. So I made myself a nice bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with milk. When I had finished, I set the bowl (that still had some milk in it) on the table behind me as I didn't feel like getting up at the moment and rinsing the bowl.

About ten minutes later, I start playing with my hair. It's wet.

"Why is my hair wet...?" I say. Then I turn around. "Oh, because there's a bowl of milk behind me." Everyone started laughing at me as I ran to the kitchen to rinse my hair.

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That same night, I am getting ready to leave for my senior class Christmas party when I had this conversation with my mom:

Mom: "What are they feeding you for dinner?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Mom: "I hope it's something you like. What if it's lasagna?"

Me: "Eww...I hope not!" (For anyone who doesn't know...I hate lasagna. With a passion.)

I arrive at the party. 

Meagan: "Where's Ben? Isn't he supposed to bring the lasagna?"

I didn't eat dinner that night.

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Last one, I promise.

We all know that technology hates me.

This past Friday and Saturday I was in Kansas (I'll post about that later). I brought my laptop with me so that I wouldn't be bored if I had any random down time in the hotel. It's a good thing I didn't.

They gave me a code to access the wifi. Well, I start up my computer, try to connect to the internet, and it never asks for a code. So of course, it won't connect. After a few tries my mom calls the front desk to find out why.

After a loooooong time on hold and  lot of complicated questions from tech support, we figured out that the room we were in (of course, just our room) had an invalid IP address and we couldn't get the wifi. They were never able to fix it.

On top of all that, we should have still been able to use the wifi on our phones. My mom could. She connected, entered the code, and everything worked just peachy on her phone. But for me, did it ask for the code? No. Did it work anyway? No. I used sooo much data at that hotel...

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The good thing about all this stuff happening to me, is that it entertains everyone else. Which is the point of this post. So I hope you enjoyed it. haha

[Update:] So, apparently, there is a part two to this post from Christopher's point of view. Don't believe anything it says--it's all lies.

The Most Amusing Things On the Planet:

Little kids.

Or, more specifically, little boys.

Little girls are hilarious, too. But there's just something about boys that makes everything more hysterical. Maybe I think that simply because I'm a girl. But check out this conversation between two little boys I was babysitting the other day, one three and one five.

(Note: I missed what started this conversation. We were eating popcorn and I wasn't 100% sure what exactly was going on. But, it doesn't really matter. The conversation is still extremely entertaining.) 

3-year-old: Are you tricking me? 

5-year-old: Maybe. 

3-year-old: If you ever do that again, I'm going to pull my sharp knife out of my pocket! 

5-year-old: I'm going to pull out my sharp sword and cut off your head! And I'm going to put poison in your popcorn and then throw it in your mouth!

(pause) 

3-year-old: I already have poison in my mouth. 

5-year-old: Then you're gonna die!

Did I mention they were laughing the whole time? I mean, it was seriously the cutest/most hilarious/slightly shocking thing I've ever seen in my life. Is it not?

Babysitters live for these moments. This is why we do what we do. It makes every moment worth it.